I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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