I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
