just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
