I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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