I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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