is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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