Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
