i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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