yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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