just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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