he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It was like getting head from an anaconda
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
