Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
