the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
