chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
