You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
