well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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