Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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