Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
