too bad you live with your parents still
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
