Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
