I can feel you judging me through the phone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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