My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
