A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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