At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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