First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
