How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
