He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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