9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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