Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
