did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
