i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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