i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My apartment stinks of burning failure
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
