...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
