Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
