dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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