The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
