I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
