I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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