Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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