I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
