Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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