dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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