I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
