I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
