i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
