i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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