omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
