I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
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