I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
