Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
