if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
