non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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