i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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